...

Right now... I feel down~ I’m not sure about the reason, but totally I’m feeling sore. I hate everything, I want to ban on anything and I hardly I wanna stabs myself HERE! …right at the chest; heart! Feelings! -_-“ …HURTS! ~So I can feel that I’m totally …sore? Numb? Feeling “here” not dead or… dying? Gargh whatever!~ …I feel unmotivated! I feels hate! I feel dumb! I feel… Everything! Anything! (WHATEVER!!! -_-) All attacks at heart!! HATE! They’re killing me! Whatever~ …I don’t feel it right~

…sorry this isn’t any good stories or happy-ever-after to share. Not even any informative to be proud of! I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING GREAT LIFE TO SHARE WITH! I DON’T FEEL LIKE I’M LUCKY OR GOOD AT ANYTHING!!! I hate myself and how I really wanted to die!!! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! HATE! Hate! Hate! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore!!! I don’t have anything to offers! I’m ugly at everything!!! I want to cut my wrist!!!! Useless! Dumb!! Fat!! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly! Unlucky! Hate! Hate! Sore! Sore! Sore! Unwanted! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! EVERYTHING!!! …I want everyone to die. Fuck up at any matters!!

…you just don’t know me~

-bandagedknee; broken medusa!-

The Moonlight Bleeds Tonight

The Moonlight Bleeds Tonight

The moonlight bleeds tonight. Idk what am I thinking~ but probably I’m tired after going out to town today. ...Was in a normal mood (I guess) n still I think its juz normal for me. ...Thinking on how to solve my school-tasks in short period of time; thinking on how to make myself stop being a lazy-brat; surviving in “life” like this… I wish I could pass the time~ ...I'm thinking of talking with a friend of mine; BUT I guess I am too picky to to do so~. I don’t really pour out my feelings and etc. (its weird~ I know); actually~ I was thinking of a name rite now, but idk if he's into listening to all-of-this-silly-shits-of-my-life. Besides~ I really don’t wanna bother him wif such life-stories. I don’t want him to think that I'm some kind of wierdo~ Watever it is he hav his own prob. (don’t get me wrong. He’s a good friend of mine, old friend and …yup, I juz don’t wanna bother anyone~).

Anyway, I was out to town today wif Suzi and we went out to for hang n etc... bla-ba-bla girls-talk. Going eat and ect. Bla... bla... bla... Then we went to a comp.shop; to take my mp3 player. (I was thinking of checking my stuff either if its ready or not...~) I expected that they’ve done their job; too bad it still unsolved …I guess shits happen! One of the shop-assistant scolded me after listening to my complaint. (A customer's worrying syndrome.. -_-") ~I was saying that “YES; it's my fault that I didn’t checked for the product’s functional before took it, BUT expecting your shop promises for 2 weeks now without even calling me bout my mp3-player-condition is making me feel uneasy!”, too bad he pissed and scolded me; claiming that, it’s not his job to contact me; but the technician. (HELL; he is somekind of technician.. n wtf is he doing there? right!!?? (He supposed to giv me a report last Tuesday; no matter how worst is my mp3 player condition!) "Its not his job; but the technician" <--- BULLSHIT! He also suggested that, ‘I should meet his boss and ask/complaint to the boss straight away and not supposed to blame it on him.’ WHAT THE FUCK!!?? …I feel a lil embarrassed to Suzi for the things that she need to witness; BUT I guess I hav my right to counter back. “this is your shop! You’re working under it! …and I AM YOUR CUSTOMER!! How dare you say like that!!?? ...as if I didn’t care bout my damaged-thing that I bought from your shop!? …atleast you contact me last Tuesday; as how you promised me!!?” …and I guess I go bla-bla-bla… bla-bla-bla… (…-_-" ugh~ …stupid~) “I juz want my mp3 player to get repair!” …told that straight to his face. …and guess wat? The coward curse me from afar and moving his ass out of my face~ how graceful~ happy Easter; idiot! ...i swear to be his worst nightmare if he keeps cursing me from afar after a word! You’re lucky today, sucker! (-_-)” …and I feel better after my case being taken care by his friends.

~life… life… life~ I guess it’s time for me to stop complains at Suzi’s~ because she hav her own stuffs to be cracked with, rather than listening to my life-shit. …seriously I am really sick at politicians-idiotic and a green-eyes-monsters at school; A back stabbers, a gossipers, fakers and etc. they’re all around. Not to blame on other or any groupies of pple in there~ but I won't say any names. I just don’t want to be drags-in their dilemmas and dramatic-fake-or-non-fake stories (watever~) …or lets juz say... to any silent wars~ I juz want to end this shit. People, life, feelings, emotional, they’re all bullshit! …I bet to escape or to avoid myself from being stuck-in their wars might save my day~ …keeping a gap will reduce shits~ I’m happy leave the crowd~

Friday the 13th~ Jason is on the play. 3 and a half; rates for this show! The thrills aren’t really scaring. I wan't some more…

GTG.

-Beck, the Bandagedknee-

The Black Diary of Ugly-Broken-Medusa

The Black Diary of Ugly-Broken-Medusa

Wednesday 1:44PM, April 8, 2009
Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! I wish I’m not here. I wish I’m not there; or around with people that I know I can’t really to cope with. Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! And... Sore! It’s not just about them, but I am feeling like this …like forever now. I hate everything and I ban on anything! If only I could go away far from here I wish I won’t be able to be found. I just wanna let go. Life sucks and you know nothing about it! …yes it might sounds great to you but not for me. Sore… sore... sore... Sore… sore…! I need to cut something~

Sunday 10:48AM, April 5, 2009
A few hours by now will be at school or my dorm room. …I don’t know; but I feel like I really not belong there. Friends, community, people; they’re all human~ whatever it is: It’s just too… human~ no matter how hard you try to stay out from troubles, keep clean and etc. You’ll do mistakes. …only that it depends on “HOW WORST” is people’s perceptions and “HOW WELL” is your self-appreciations. …it’s just too human! They do mistakes; they’re not perfect! BUT they can’t accept people’s mistakes.

Hence they have the guts to alienate each other, and things always getting worst especially if you’re not into their friends circle and doing mistakes without even plan for it …whatever it is... I hope that It only be in my imaginations.
…drama, drama, drama, drama, dilemma, dilemma, dilemma, dilemma… its all sucks. I’m afraid I’ll drags into their bitching games.


Sunday 1:40AM, April 5, 2009
…I added a few cuts~ I just couldn’t let go. I don’t feel good and I don’t feel like talking~ I don’t think that people like to listen. …and I don’t think that I like to tell~ I knew everything happen with consequences; I know I shouldn’t …”unleash” the fucking idiot out of me~ (-_-)” …I knew I shouldn’t go out & have fun like that at the first place! I knew I’ll feel bad or worst later. …whatever happen it just unleashed~ (-_-)” …don’t get me wrong; the hangout was fun! The moment was great. Nothing idiot happen (I guess); only that I feel bad and sore to remember it. What with it? (-_-)” …it just not really me~ …maybe I should say. “I hate the hangout!” Even that I’m having fun; but that life isn’t really for me. ...I’m not really happy~ …I guess I’d release the “inner me” in the wrong way~ the devil released! The animal unleashed! And it sores for today or any other days to remember it.

Sunday 1:40AM, April 3, 2009
Things that “better left unsaid” are killing. Whatever it is; I guess life would be twice worst than ever if I declares it in public. I feel like into bursting out the truth so I don’t need to feel like awry or trapped in my own jail! A big one! …Still I can’t really talk to just anyone about the syndrome since it might be a shocking-unbelieving- thing to know. Whatever it is I need to declare it to friends soon.

Sometimes I think I might be wrong; trying to prove it to myself but I couldn’t. It seems like I am a way different that what I am supposed to be. I know I said it in here but to speak for the truth in public is a hard thing to do. I guess I am a coward. But how many friends would accept you for who you are? How many friends might bail-off after knowing the truth? I just wish that this fact will reveal soon and without annoying questions or lame talk to listening at.


Sunday 8:55PM, March 29, 2009
I’m now in my room; alone. Roommate must be out for dinner. Hopefully she’ll come back late tonight so I can have my time alone~ …I’m not in a mood. I don’t have any feelings to go socialize with friends. I’m not in a mood of talking longer or laughing with them today. I’m not in a mood of any conversation or question-and–answers to do. I guess I need to slow things down. I said I’m changed; yes at some part! Still I am the broken Medusa! I guess doldrums strike again~ I hate my life and I hate myself without specific reason! (Whatever~) Sometimes loud songs can’t really help anymore; I guess I need to take other alternatives to help me reduce the doldrums moment. …and I’m thinking of …any razors~ Not to commits suicide but I guess I’m addicted to the pain~...Because it is too sharp to felt it hurt; still it cuts gently on your skin so you’ll feel like you’re baring the pain; transmitting your sore soul into physical soreness to which you can bare the pain. …it’s feels like you having a new tattoo~

Sometimes I think I’m out of my mind. Sometimes I think I must be mad; too bad I am off worst than it. I’m NUMB!

…smiles can fake everything; still eyes can’t lie on anything. To put smiles on and gone crazy like you’re out of your mind and care nothing is a simplest thing to do; especially when you’re doing it for real~ I gone insane like I never cares make me forget certain things that keeping me from being a doldrums-person. So far I am doing well with it. I guess some part of soreness not supposes to be mention in public. Things that I’ve learnt: Trust no one. Because every times you rely on eveything; even though just to reduce things on~ it will become worst! I’ll feel more doom!

-Beck; The Bandagedknee. Your Broken Medusa-