Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! I wish I’m not here. I wish I’m not there; or around with people that I know I can’t really to cope with. Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! And... Sore! It’s not just about them, but I am feeling like this …like forever now. I hate everything and I ban on anything! If only I could go away far from here I wish I won’t be able to be found. I just wanna let go. Life sucks and you know nothing about it! …yes it might sounds great to you but not for me. Sore… sore... sore... Sore… sore…! I need to cut something~
Sunday 10:48AM, April 5, 2009
A few hours by now will be at school or my dorm room. …I don’t know; but I feel like I really not belong there. Friends, community, people; they’re all human~ whatever it is: It’s just too… human~ no matter how hard you try to stay out from troubles, keep clean and etc. You’ll do mistakes. …only that it depends on “HOW WORST” is people’s perceptions and “HOW WELL” is your self-appreciations. …it’s just too human! They do mistakes; they’re not perfect! BUT they can’t accept people’s mistakes.
Hence they have the guts to alienate each other, and things always getting worst especially if you’re not into their friends circle and doing mistakes without even plan for it …whatever it is... I hope that It only be in my imaginations.
…drama, drama, drama, drama, dilemma, dilemma, dilemma, dilemma… its all sucks. I’m afraid I’ll drags into their bitching games.
Sunday 1:40AM, April 5, 2009
…I added a few cuts~ I just couldn’t let go. I don’t feel good and I don’t feel like talking~ I don’t think that people like to listen. …and I don’t think that I like to tell~ I knew everything happen with consequences; I know I shouldn’t …”unleash” the fucking idiot out of me~ (-_-)” …I knew I shouldn’t go out & have fun like that at the first place! I knew I’ll feel bad or worst later. …whatever happen it just unleashed~ (-_-)” …don’t get me wrong; the hangout was fun! The moment was great. Nothing idiot happen (I guess); only that I feel bad and sore to remember it. What with it? (-_-)” …it just not really me~ …maybe I should say. “I hate the hangout!” Even that I’m having fun; but that life isn’t really for me. ...I’m not really happy~ …I guess I’d release the “inner me” in the wrong way~ the devil released! The animal unleashed! And it sores for today or any other days to remember it.
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Sunday 1:40AM, April 3, 2009
Things that “better left unsaid” are killing. Whatever it is; I guess life would be twice worst than ever if I declares it in public. I feel like into bursting out the truth so I don’t need to feel like awry or trapped in my own jail! A big one! …Still I can’t really talk to just anyone about the syndrome since it might be a shocking-unbelieving- thing to know. Whatever it is I need to declare it to friends soon.
Sometimes I think I might be wrong; trying to prove it to myself but I couldn’t. It seems like I am a way different that what I am supposed to be. I know I said it in here but to speak for the truth in public is a hard thing to do. I guess I am a coward. But how many friends would accept you for who you are? How many friends might bail-off after knowing the truth? I just wish that this fact will reveal soon and without annoying questions or lame talk to listening at.
Sunday 8:55PM, March 29, 2009
I’m now in my room; alone. Roommate must be out for dinner. Hopefully she’ll come back late tonight so I can have my time alone~ …I’m not in a mood. I don’t have any feelings to go socialize with friends. I’m not in a mood of talking longer or laughing with them today. I’m not in a mood of any conversation or question-and–answers to do. I guess I need to slow things down. I said I’m changed; yes at some part! Still I am the broken Medusa! I guess doldrums strike again~ I hate my life and I hate myself without specific reason! (Whatever~) Sometimes loud songs can’t really help anymore; I guess I need to take other alternatives to help me reduce the doldrums moment. …and I’m thinking of …any razors~ Not to commits suicide but I guess I’m addicted to the pain~...Because it is too sharp to felt it hurt; still it cuts gently on your skin so you’ll feel like you’re baring the pain; transmitting your sore soul into physical soreness to which you can bare the pain. …it’s feels like you having a new tattoo~
Sometimes I think I’m out of my mind. Sometimes I think I must be mad; too bad I am off worst than it. I’m NUMB!
…smiles can fake everything; still eyes can’t lie on anything. To put smiles on and gone crazy like you’re out of your mind and care nothing is a simplest thing to do; especially when you’re doing it for real~ I gone insane like I never cares make me forget certain things that keeping me from being a doldrums-person. So far I am doing well with it. I guess some part of soreness not supposes to be mention in public. Things that I’ve learnt: Trust no one. Because every times you rely on eveything; even though just to reduce things on~ it will become worst! I’ll feel more doom!
-Beck; The Bandagedknee. Your Broken Medusa-
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1 comments:
I dont know what to say but ...
pls do take care yaself well... :) no matter what happen..
:)
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