When Love Goes Crazy…

When Love Goes Crazy…

So this is me now; Alone in an empty house and in a middle of a place that I once called, a “Desert Tears”. A place that I didn’t wanna go once, but too bad; there is nothing that I could do to make me stay.

Yup, there is lots of untold stories of my life that I haven’t really have time to write in here,” the damn old black diary.” If only I have a will power to just stay; I WOULD! Anyway, it’s been a while now to …maybe trying forgets everything and stops writing. Unfortunately I couldn’t! Recent life or routine keep making me busy, and busy, and busy again. …and perhaps Suzi was right about, maybe I was being too carefree before or let’s just say that I never being ‘that’ busy before, that’s makes me being a bit sensitive and emotional. …too bad merging with people isn’t really a pleasure of mine. Somehow I get hurt. …and at some point I being more sensitive and emotional about that.

So, as it remain in my old writing; my very-very-old-recent-writing~ I met new love again. Hopefully it not gonna end like the rest~ . …well, it’s been a while now and I guess everyone have new lover now. My ex already have a new girlfriend about 8 to 9 month ago now (~even though that he just told me a few weeks ago; but I don’t mind... only a lil'hurt because he's like trying to work out on me but naaa~ I don't think so~), other crushes…? are now...? perhaps have a better person too and heck yes; I DON’T MIND. I don’t wanna know either. I’m now blessed with my new love ! (Hurray for me! ;)) …ain’t wanna describe long bout my new lover; but dang! Why couldn’t I ever realize about it before? He was there; for such a long time… and I was being too naïve to just realize it! He was there for me all the time as a friend, a fan, then a long lost friend… and we're become a good friend; my very best guy! …as I remind; he was there …for me, when I needed him and yes! He know almost everything; the dark side and the innocent dumb side… he was actually there~. …terrified at the closeness, and being paranoia of losing another ‘best friend’; but now… I won’t scare anymore~

“…live with me; and I’ll die for you” – I am in love!

*** *** *** ***

Well, as I’m sitting here in this damn ‘desert tears’; I guess it’s not hurt to write things that a bit season by now. It didn’t really feel like it thrill as it strikes before but perhaps I think it’s a right to just put it on; besides it still being an important things to make me remember and stop a while …to ‘think’. Maybe it is a good stuff to make my readers open up their mind and think? (Tell me if I’m wrong then~)

I have jotted down a few main words to help me compose and remember few things that might become a season topic (as it is now) and I’m here to bring it up.

…listening to my favorites hit songs in my playlist-songs are somehow bringing up some old flashed back memories. Songs can remind of your nostalgic lifestyle; memories...etc~ No matter how good, bad or worst is the songs about; it really can jog your memory of your nostalgic life or maybe some sweetness memories. If it’s not for you, at least I feel it that way! (…and still I remember everything that happens while listening to the songs~ my hit list favorites of all the time…)~ …(Again)The songs, the lyrics and the melodies; somehow will bringing up your past: the situations at that moment, your feelings towards someone/people/things etc., your views, your experiences… everything! Even for your favorites songs; they can describe a person of who you really are! Call me a psycho that need to be seated in physiatrist’s couch; I am telling things that I think are true. (…disagree with me and let’s have a debate about it).

…and yeah, agree! Not just songs can recall your memories; but pictures, places and even a person will bring back the memories. So no matter how bad or worst is your attitudes towards someone; you'll always reminded them of your past attitudes. ...and even if they saying and taking that as its ‘good’; sooner or later the “fucking natural perception” of them will judge your ass out!

So it makes me wonder; does your goodness is always being forgotten; while your’ dark things is always seeds in people minded? The answer is: YES! HELL YES! It’s just always been that way. …and I hold the grudge; yet I am not a revengeful person. I am too dumb to have such intentions to do shit. Hope that they’ll live in my shoe …someday. (…and when it’s happen, let’s cast any spells that makes them reminds of …their sick-shitty- attitudes! [LOL])

[… geez I don’t know about you guys, but I wonder that, “if only you doesn’t like someone at any reason; would you suppose to make them read that you’re allergic at them by treating them as shit, making faces and do some annoying codes?” …well I don’t think so. I don’t think its right either. –MAY YOU BLESSES WITH SHITTY LIFE TRICE TIMES THAN I DO, AFTER ALL THOSE TREATS THEN, BOO YEAH!-]

*** *** *** ***

“Lonely.” Well, no matter how funny is this word is, but at some point I am being one. Tell me about it:

…I was there;
Surrounded with lot of friends,
I was being envious of ‘the closeness’ and the ‘cheers’ that made
I was the clown; the joker or all
And there is no way that anyone couldn’t reach me
…but at big time I feel lonely
…especially when everyone has gotten that smile
I am forgotten
The old forgotten lonely brats;
Maybe I was just the clown…
A clown of most of all;
A dumb and dumbest of all
…they just doesn’t need me

…and I feel that I’m losing friends. Especially my countable amount of old best-best-best friends! Busy life routines sometimes tear the friendship apart. Sometimes the avoidance makes it hard to work out. Too bad I appreciates old friends the better. New friends, SUCK! Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma… Most of them have those dramas kind of thingy to which I’m sure I AM NOT ANY FAVORITES KIND OF ALL. They percepts me worst than old friends ever did! …and HELL SURE, its bullshit when every times that you look in their eyes; you can just tell it right away that he/she doesn’t really satisfy with you~ Hell; read this! I DON’T WANNA CARE EITHER! …at the end they come to you and ask for a favor; but then re-do their shit-face again! How lame…?

*** *** *** ***

Maybe I was just being sensitive and emotional again (as always!) …even the smallest thing hurts me so badly~ ...and for sure; I know this might sounds stupid. But hell; I really do loves to hurt myself physically more than anyone else could imagine and rather than having the sore feeling at heart. It’s not any pain like being sliced softly and slowly on your skin-heart but its like hurt by a tiny-tiny of small head of knife, a needle maybe and it strikes slowly and deeply inside your skin-heart. Pain! Pain than anything! I rather choose to have it on my bod-skin! At least you’ll feel it at your bod-skin that visible to see it wound, bleeds and bruise. I just love it that way.

Feelings
Feelings is something that evil
To which it makes you sore; hate, envious, loves, hurts…
Feelings
Feelings are the one contributed by …the heart!
It needed to be stab till …dead
Feelings...
It’s just too sore to feel anything!
So why do we have to let it live anyway..?
Kill the heart so the feelings gone!
Kill the heart so the feelings death!
Kill the heart... So that we’ll die~

I just hate the feelings!
…and having it is a curse!
Feelings…

Still I think you guys might think its crazy; but sometimes it make me wonder, “how the heck if it’s really a cut on the wrist?" …couldn’t it a surely OUCH!! (well look at the pictures then~) …but I’m sure the OUCH –feeling is W. O.R.T. H.Y” -Not for attentions buts its just what some people need. (…and totally it’s not about the any trial for a suicide!) […Opps shall I put: PLEASE DON’T DO THIS AT HOME? Blah then!~]

*** *** *** ***

Well; that all for the jotted topics of old-seasoned-writing! Next; let me continue to some sorta recent syndrome of mine.

Like I said; I hate hypocrites! …too bad~ I am into this shit! …to which I have to be a person that isn’t really me! Only that not being one with any special benefits purpose! I am NOT at my will to being one. (…and tell me how lame this is all about?) … Thank you for ‘your occupation dream’ mum! Thank you for ‘your occupation dream’ dad! Now I might have a big fat salary in my wallet soon! …and check me out; I’m dead! [-_-]” already dead long time ago~ …whatever; I’m trapped! :( . I am really trapped in this ‘hypocrites world’ to which I have to be any role model and pretend to be ‘pretty enough a professional hypocrites!’ I can’t help myself this time... but maybe trying to accept it. …a hypocrites brat!

Last but not least; I’ve being visited by my lecturer this recent; and at his visits he met an old friend of his and they both seems happy and excited at each other. They talk lots of things in front of me and sometimes both of them kinda reflecting back each other’s memories of the past. The scenario is so damn clear; as I was in that past too. Both of them keep brought up all the sweetest and the bitterest memories of them together. A few lost friends has been brought up too and unquestioned reason is one of topics that they’ve questioning~ …and in between that reflections I feel a bit sore, lost and pain at the same time. If they both live like 50-60 years old now, and all the bad and sweetest memories become a history; yet still cheering at those memories… How is me? How about me? What will happen to me? What will I gonna be with those all memories? ...After all those years …Do I really have a gut to face back all those memories? …I don’t think so. And my answer is: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can live like that; reflecting on those memories… I don’t think so. And I’m not sure if I can ever live like those… perhaps I already dead before could reach those memories; not by any amount of age but… I wouldn’t stand to deal with more destruction. I can’t stand to live and wait longer; because sooner or later I might …let go~ …and that’s makes me sad, sore… I can’t!

*** *** *** ***

…and then after all those days; I was still thinking. But now I guess the mood is kinda blasting great! I was there with my baby; my sugar lover boy~ …a bit funny, weird and sweet though; because it last for a few years by now since our childhood era. Same guy, same feelings; only that this isn’t any crush anymore. We’re in love! …and after all those trial and fails; the temporarily-friendship lost and etc. Here we are… hitting at each other as a friend, a best friends then a lover.

“Best friends or ex-friend till the ends; better off as lover and not the other way around...” –well; I’m not scared anymore…

(Beck the Bandagedknee)

...Coz of the Hot Weather~

Whatever it is; I’m blessed with love.





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Old crush! Whatever… I should realize bout it before~





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I’ll be back!

\m/-Bandagedknee-\m/

Rock On!!

Obviously I'm Just a Puppet~

“After all I’m just some broken Medusa; The ugliest, cursed and unluckiest among all living. Rejected, banned and whatever you may call; the forgotten…” –The Broken Me.

Whatever that happens you may call this a gimmick or any lame stories from someone that you may classify as a loser or anything alike. I don’t need everyone... I don’t need anyone’s besides me now. I don’t trust anyone and I don’t really feel good to be with just anyone. I hate everything and I ban on anything. I can’t live like this so why don’t …to just let go? I read some advices-talk like in my recent post and really I don’t care.

…I still have the unrecovered scars on my lower arms and it just… nothing. I wonder if it actually goes down to my wrists. Right now I feel unmotivated, hate, sad and sorrow at the same time at any level of infinities. I just want to end everything.

Today I’ll have to go to school to which I have to merge up with people that I don’t really wanna hang with. Lots of fucking dramas, silent-bullshit-self-politic, dilemmas, dramas, delimmas, delimmas…! Friendships… sucks! I don’t like those attitudes. Hence no one really likes me~ (whatever~ I’m afraid how am I going to survives within a week if I already starting to feel down… like this~) … I guess I’ve gone too far since I dare to cross my own line… and the consequences; I being a doldrums girl twice worst than ever. Human… human… human! Why do they have to “feels”!!?? Why do they have such idiot feelings; the hates, the jealousy, denial to each others, sore, lonely, unaccepted, egos etc. Whatever its bullshit and it just not fair!!! The motherfucker that used to do the first sin is long time dead!!! So your almighty is a total bullshit-unfair-brat!!!!! I hate YOU!!!!!!!!

I’m not sure what up with me; either because of the pathetic lifestyles or about my screw-up-homo-love-life~ I just hate everything! I can’t really rely on anyone. I don’t know what to do... I guess I might die young. When the time comes I’ll let go… I know this is just too stupid to talk about it; especially when I plans to just cut my life short~ YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTANDS!! There is lots of bullshit part of my life that you don’t wanna know; to describe it is a funny thing to do… BECAUSE I CAN’T DESCRIBES IT WITH WORDS!!!! I can’t really describe how things being so shitty to me!! I just hope you to get this fucking mental and heart disease; so someday you’ll understand!!

“…I tried to force back. I growl and I struggle to gets better. I go insane and started to feel numb on everything~ …Till I can’t carves any smiles; I’ll let go… sooner or later; I’ll let go.” –The Broken Me.

Call me anything, idiot, dumb, stupid or anything like curse… cusses whatever!!? I know myself better… and single words can’t change me. Neither to motivate or to screw me up… I’m already dead.

“Sometimes things that you really hopes and rely on is the one that killing you. Look at me; I’m just no one… ” –The Broken Me.

P/s: I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!

-Lets fuck this till the death!-
The BROKEN Medusa!
Life doesn’t seems like a bandagedknee to me; NO MORE!!

My Recent: ...You Decides~

…it’s been a while I didn’t do blogging. I was busy (and still doing busy with school stuffs). Hence I stopped visiting other blogger’s page. It’s not like what everyone thought: Lazy~ but I’m sick and feel ashamed (plus a lil envy) to all bloggers or pages that visited especially to friend’s blog. Why? The answer is SIMPLE:- I’m not as lucky as YOU are. I am the forgotten person. I’m the lamest experiences to have… ever! (Whatever~) The ugliest; the broken Medusa! The blah… blah.. blah… whatever I know u knew what am I trying to say in here. And in other words~ -_-“” I feel ashamed to say “hi, how are you?” or.. something like that to friend’s blog.. the bloggers emself.. @_@”” whatever~ coz everytimes they ask me with the same questions, I’ll surely like.. “riiight…I’m fine..” while in my life-blog-stories I AM THE LOSERY BULLSHIT BITCH!

Whatever~

Perhaps this is different …here read this.. xD

…idk im still paranoia to fucking love bullshit part.. but..

 n.. idk whatever.. he rock my world!! Yeehaa! 

n.. idk.. really.. @_@ hope this one to be.. diff.. :/ 

or else.. :/

..im juz no one.. still… 

This is Beck, the bandagedknee and the broken Medusa… :)

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.

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….i was gonna write things that gonna make me feeling better after a decade of being someone that owez in a deep shit.. but then…

I saw my blood bleeds and it falls to the stairs~

… and I juz realized that the smells of the blood sting strongly… n it comes from each slice that I cuts

Then… while watching it wet.. n then dry.. I could c it flows out and pounding slowly from each cuts that began to dry…

Still it messes everything that I own.. like pillow-sheet, the handkerchief.. it so beautiful~  

No hard feelings.. its juz a matter of transmitting sore hearted to be on your physical part..

This is what I look like.. the ugliest, the unluckiest and etc.. bla bla bla… im owez the cursed ugly old medusa.. -_-“

Till then.. I learnt new things.. “stop being happy coz u’ll never know what might happen~ sooner or later each laughter will turns into some desert-cry..” I was there. Still.. I think I’m stuck to be there... to which it’s actually… here.. ~ 

 Tell me which when wrong..?

 

 

 

...

Right now... I feel down~ I’m not sure about the reason, but totally I’m feeling sore. I hate everything, I want to ban on anything and I hardly I wanna stabs myself HERE! …right at the chest; heart! Feelings! -_-“ …HURTS! ~So I can feel that I’m totally …sore? Numb? Feeling “here” not dead or… dying? Gargh whatever!~ …I feel unmotivated! I feels hate! I feel dumb! I feel… Everything! Anything! (WHATEVER!!! -_-) All attacks at heart!! HATE! They’re killing me! Whatever~ …I don’t feel it right~

…sorry this isn’t any good stories or happy-ever-after to share. Not even any informative to be proud of! I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING GREAT LIFE TO SHARE WITH! I DON’T FEEL LIKE I’M LUCKY OR GOOD AT ANYTHING!!! I hate myself and how I really wanted to die!!! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! HATE! Hate! Hate! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore!!! I don’t have anything to offers! I’m ugly at everything!!! I want to cut my wrist!!!! Useless! Dumb!! Fat!! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly! Unlucky! Hate! Hate! Sore! Sore! Sore! Unwanted! Sore! Sore! Sore! Sore! EVERYTHING!!! …I want everyone to die. Fuck up at any matters!!

…you just don’t know me~

-bandagedknee; broken medusa!-